Starring -
The inimitable Mr Z Thief of my heart
Jen Proving 6000 miles is no barrier when it comes to discussing sex, rabbits and zubic corona
Supporting -
Justine "He's not gay"
Zoe and Beccy for the drunkest Christmas Eve...in the world...EVER!
Stuart "I don't want to clock up too many miles on my car. Let's go to Alton Towers"
Lisa "He's a HAPPY snowman"
Bernie "I'm working to bring Edexcel down from the inside"
Caroline "House, horse, honey..."
Mother and Father Hand may 2002 be a year when I no longer live with either of them *wink*
Father Hand's Woman, Frankie "I'm leaving you the keys to my truck for emergencies"
Ryan and Alex "We can't believe you have to WALK to Dairy Queen, you're so deprived"
Pandrea "Dude...I have a gallon of frozen margharita...achachaachahhccchaha"
Denise and Dan "ARRRRRTEMIIIIIII!!" "We're going to go to Ella's for a $35 sundae"
Tuna Puff and Amanda "We would be cats so we can lick pussy all day"
With Employment Contributions from -
The Renaissence Villas, Vegas Kids "Miss Sally! Miss Sally! Take us to the pool!"
Thingie Plastics Eileen: "I've worked here a year" Me: "I really respect that. I've been here two days and I want to burn the place down"
Lucas Sails Cathie: "Peter's insane. I've never had self-deleting cookies before. This is the TUCK drawer. You BROKE my shredder! We don't like him - make him haul rubbish around. Just the one. I knew you'd be pleased. All of it for ME!"
Playscheme "When GOLDilocks WENT to the HOUSE of the BEARS, WHAT do you THINK she SAW?!" Sheila: "BRADLEY, GET DOWN!" Alice: "We're borrowing the bouncy castle for my barbecue" Louise: "You're a crap driver" Katherine: "You're just ALWAYS happy, aren't you?" Catherine: "He makes my boyfriend look like a pile of poo!" Justin: "If you think I'm going to come out and help while you're holding that water bottle you've got another thing coming" Sarah: "You don't think I'm a crap driver, do you?" Charlotte: "He's got a wonderful imagination" Richard: "Sally, about those dishes from Rickshaw's.." Claire: "I *know* her trousers are falling down!" Colin: "Apparently I've got a fearsome shit smearer today" Bob the Richard: "Keep that child away from my new shed"
Care at Home Rita: "Go and growl at the fax, it's playing up. Then go and make the tea." Lesley: "Pompey Pompey rah rah rah. Make me a cup of tea" Dawn: "You're not nice to poor Dawn. Coffee please, one sweetener." Lorraine: "I like mine quite strong, normal amount of milk but leave the tea bag in..." Kelly: "I don't make tea. My old client sends me apples instead of cakes these days" Barry: "Ahh, you're a good kid - tea please, no sugar" Debs: "He's a total ankle. Coffee with two please" John: "'CAlcright ah quween? Coffe wi' jus' a liddle birra milk. You'll goo to heaven twice." (Scouse does not translate into text)
Funniest Moment Award
Jamie Lynn likening our anatomically correct snowman to her Uncle Pete in the mornings. It still makes me laugh myself silly.
Highly commended: Lee trying to pass off his three bottles of red behaviour at the ringing dinner as food poisoning.
In a Madison bar: "You're from England? Woah!" (steps back) "Do you have foot and mouth? I am a cattle farmer and my cows are like my kids..."
The conversation an altered Tina Puff and I had with Mr Z on ICQ - "We'll buy a house in New Orleans, and I'll work three jobs so you can do nothing but sit on the porch and have a pet snake, and throw rotten tomatoes at people and scare them with your snake, and tempt them near to pet your snake and then pelt them with the hard green ones..."
The behaviour of nearby patrons at the British Museum as Mr Z and I wandered around the morning after our 3-bulbs-of-garlic-each meal.
Smuggling dishes out of a local restaurant cunningly disguised as breasts, complete with orange peel nipples, and showing them off to people in Alldays.
Most Embarrassing Moment Award
Mooning Father Z. ARGH. As Jen and Stu put it, it could only happen to me.
Most Typically Male Moment Awards
I said I wouldn't put it in the diario since I am rather taking it out of context - but taken out of context it is stereotypical to the extreme. Me: Lying on the bed trying to look inviting. Mr Z: glances over, turns to his computer and starts playing the Beavis and Butthead Hock a Lugie game.
Ickiest Moment Award
Waking up thinking someone was kissing my neck and then realising that (a) I was alone and (b) there was a cockroach in my hair
Fluffiest Moment Award
Staking out an airport and watching the man who said he'd never set foot on American soil set foot on American soil for my sake. Awww, bless. And getting flowers at work - all the more fluffier for the fact that they weren't a clown-a-gram.
Best Movie Award
Lord of the Rings, Moulin Rouge, Hannibal, Shrek...all good. But arguably eclipsed by the 3-D marine documentary I saw in the Baltimore i-max. You'd swear those fish are nibbling on your fringe...
Quote of the Year
Ling from Ally McBeal:
Ling: You spurned me!
Jackson: *I* spurned *you*?
Ling: I've been in long-term relationships without ever being nice, and yet I made a gesture - I asked you to lunch
Jackson: Wait a minute - last week I told you I was in love with you
Ling: Big deal! Anyone can share a stupid feeling, there's an unlimited supply. You only get FIVE LUNCHES A WEEK...
Most Nail-bitingly Scary Award
I would say my PGCE interview at Bath Spa, but there's been no conclusion to that yet and anyway, it comes a close third behind meeting the Parents Z,and meeting the work colleagues of Mr Z all at once with only a vat of mulled wine for comfort.
Pub of the Year Award
This one has to go to my old favourite, the King's on Albert Road, my local since I was old enough to pick up Mother Hand's child benefit and skim a bit for a gin and tonic. I salute you. And I'm sorry about New Year's eve.
Highly commended to the Cherry Tree - doubtless more mention for that fine establishment in the Roundup 2002.
Headache of the Year Award
George Dubya's got to win this one, for following the predictable course and turning the world on its head for a futile, misguided crusade against terrorism. Why did the majority of the American people vote for him? Why?
This year, I might have died without...
...and I could have lived without...