Name: Sally Hand
Date of birth: August 5th 1978
Email address: sally@pussykat.freeserve.co.uk
Personal Profile
I am an outgoing, friendly person who will boost employee humour by getting drunk and embarrassing myself at company events. I don't get hangovers, so I will rarely have to call in sick. I crack jokes constantly, often about members of senior management. My skills include: making very, very strong coffee; sleeping without people noticing; contorting into weird shapes when trying to make myself comfortable on a swivel chair; and organising lottery syndicates. When accused of laziness, I am very good at reasoning my way out trouble, so even if the complaint was a fair one I will end up looking like a hard-done-by hard worker. I am very computer literate and guarantee that I will be able to find Solitaire within 5 minutes, no matter how well it is hidden. My typing speed for personal emails is circa 70 wpm; for all company purposes, my typing speed is circa 15 wpm.
Employment history
Virtual Universe, London NW6
Dates: June 2000 - present
Job title: Call centre monitor
Nature of work: Listening to lonely men try and pick each other up via a chatline monitoring program on a Windows NT platform. Typing up lonely hearts ads and realising that cliches like "for fun, friendship and maybe more" honestly do have a place in the modern world. Playing really amusing messages on the speakers to keep spirits up.
Fenwick Ltd, Brent Cross Shopping Centre, London NW4
Dates: November 1998 - June 2000
Job title: Cleaner
Nature of work: Cleaning offices, restaurants and the shop floor in super-double-quick time and using the rest of the time for basic skulking (toilets and loading bay) and flirting with male members of staff.
Edexcel Foundation (London Examinations), Russell Square, London
Dates: May-August 1999
Job title: GCSE processing assistant
Nature of work:Being treated as a souless, worthless, robotic lackey: screamed at for the slightest deviation from faultless and taxed through the ass into the bargain (although this is my own fault for having 2 jobs simultaneously). Pinging rubber bands at other people in moments of extreme boredom. Advanced skulking (coffee machines and computer terminals). Having hysterics at really stupid jokes (eg: what's big, red and eats rocks? a big red rock eater).
Camp Black Hawk, Elton, Wisconsin, USA
Dates: May-August 1998
Job title: Unit counselor
Nature of work: Taking 24-hour responsibility, usually as part of a team, for thinking up 1000 ways to stop a homesick child from crying so much that she is sick; cleaning up afoermentioned vomit if one fails. Killing spiders, even tiny ones. Being worshipped and adored by children ranging in age from eight to fifteen. Avoiding headlice. Surviving on minimal sleep; advanced sleeping (through thunderstorms and excitable-brownies-hearing-imaginary-mountain-lions-stirring-in-the-woods). Cooking entire 3 course meals with an open-fire sandwich toasting iron; eating raw food and not getting sick. Advanced creative lying to trick children out of their fears ("you can spot a leech in the water because they can't swim and thus wear orange life jackets"; "the noises you are hearing in the woods are the trees walking around: they are the Ents".) Advanced American language.
Staffinder Agency, Elm Grove, Southsea, Hants
Dates: October 1994 - January 1998
Job title: Waitress
Nature of work: Mainly silver service waitressing, involving dropping greasy and/or brightly coloured foods onto light coloured fabrics and then bursting into tears to avoid deductions from wages; advanced grovelling after swearing at customers for not looking where they are going. Winning, every week, the shortest-skirt-on-a-staff-member contest. Feeling like some sort of go-go dancer in a black bow and lace apron. Tolerating having one's arse pinched in pursuit of a tip.
Initial Staff Agency, High Road, Wembley, London
Dates: August 1996 - October 1997
Job Title: Waitress
Nature of work: Silver service and restaurant waitressing, predominantly for larger
functions, for example at Alexandra Palace, where I did two functions and vowed never to go back after my first table was 3 minutes' walk away from the kitchen, ensuring cold food by the time it reached the table and causing my customers to throw potatoes at me, and my second table was a bunch of lagered-up Pizza Hut managers who took it in turns to ask me for my bra size and whether blow jobs came on the house or they would have to pay me extra for them. Sick and wrong.
Bennigan's American Tavern, Stirling Corner, London
Dates: August-December 1996
Job title: Line chef
Nature of work: Cooking food for Tom Cruise and half the cast of Eastenders. Putting up with shit management and being forced to clean hot ovens with industrial-strength cleaner and no gloves. Sifting through the fridge daily and cutting all the mouldy bits off the food. Finally (and with regret) leaving after, in the space of a week, a fire broke out in the basement and 2 chefs were sent to deal with it with brooms because it was Saturday and they didn't want to close, and a sewage problem left a stream of human excrement bubbling through the kitchen drains to be tramped into the restaurant on the shoes of the waitresses and runners. They didn't close for that either. I was too disgusted to stay.
British Museum, Blackfriar's Road, London
Dates: July 1994 (two weeks' work experience)
Job title: Office junior
Nature of work: Filing, typing, cataloguing historic documents. Being something of an oddity to the historians at work, since I was their first work experience student, and they couldn't quite work out what to do with me. Wandering the streets of London during my lunch hours and free afternoons, and falling in love with the place.
Other interests, activities and achievements:
I enjoy going out to the pub with my friends "for one" and rolling in 6 hours later too drunk to see. During my gap year before university I taught myself how to program in HTML and now have my own website; this incorporates a diary in which all gossip will be published, including embarrassing and/or personal details about my colleagues, as and when I overhear them. Whilst at university I was the history department student representative for my year: this involved sitting at the back of the meetings writing essay plans whilst my lecturers bitched about the sorry state of their computers, and earning myself a place in "Wendy's Amazons" who argued with the department until the Travel Writing course was run. I can speak a bit of Spanish and I can decipher Cyrillic but don't expect me to understand you if you are speaking Russian.